Pregnant During a Pandemic
/Yesterday was my due date.
Not that “due dates” really have much to do with when the baby actually arrives, but since you’ve been asking, I thought I’d share.
Getting ready to deliver during this pandemic has been interesting to say the least. Emotionally, I’ve been up and down. Sure, maybe the hormones are playing into the roller coaster, but I have a feeling that it’s more than just hormones.
Before quarantine I was asked multiple times a day if I was “ready.” To which I would take a deep breath before smiling and answering, “how is anyone ever ready for an event like this?”.
By ready, people wanted to know if I had the nursery together (no) and if I had all the stuff I needed (how could I possibly know, this is the first time I’ve done this after all…). I know the question was generally asked out of kindness, but it kind of made me want to rip out my hair as I spiraled into mom-guilt before this baby even arrived.
I mean, what kind of mother was I that I didn’t even have a nursery ready?
Silly, I know. I mean, the baby isn’t even going to use the nursery for several months, right? And while 80% of my brain knew how silly and ridiculous the thought of inadequacy was, the other 20% of my brain could still send me reeling.
But that was pre-pandemic. And this is now. And things are different.
Plans have changed in huge ways, and no. No, I am not ready.
I mean, I didn’t exactly plan to have my first baby mid-pandemic. I didn’t exactly plan to spend the last four weeks in quarantine with my workout and nutrition habits thrown off, and I most certainly didn’t plan to introduce my baby to the rest of the family over FaceTime and Zoom calls.
But here we are.
Over the last several weeks I’ve had all the feels, and while I’m not proud of all of them, I want to share in case you’re in the same situation. I’ve been frustrated hearing people who are having babies in June, July, and even August freaking out. I’ve been irritated at the comments from people who have told me that this will be a great excuse to keep visitors out and “aren’t I lucky” to have an extended maternity leave? And I’ve been flat out angry at every single person who has said something along the lines of, “you’ll be fine if he’s not” when I’ve expressed my only major concern; that my husband will not be able to be with me in the hospital.
Yes, I’ll be fine. Of course I’ll be “fine,” but please, please don’t tell me that I’m going to be “fine.”
If you’ve had feelings over the last several weeks that you’re not proud of, you’re not alone. Even if you aren’t getting ready to have your first baby, it’s not only okay to have negative thoughts and feelings, but it’s normal. By acknowledging them, we take away some of their power. Recognize your feelings, and allow yourself to grieve or rage if needed. And then take a moment to look at the other side of the coin.
Because I’ve also had good feels, and I’m sure you have too. I’ve had friends, family, and even clients checking-in on me weekly. I have a husband who is encouraging me to rest, read, walk, cook, and take time off from working so much. I’ve FaceTimed with family, Zoom called with colleagues, and chatted for hours with friends across the country as we did our chores “together.”
Yes, I’ve been alone at home most days, which is strange for someone who is used to working so closely with people one on one. And yes, there are times when I feel lonely, isolated, and scared. And yet...
This baby will be here any day. We've got two names picked out, a bassinet and cloth diapers, and while stores being closed got in the middle of my planned 2 weeks of nesting (no, the nursery isn’t “ready”), we've got a lot of love in our hearts and a lot of faith.
So am I ready?
Pandemic baby or not, I am as ready as I could possibly be.
