All the Feels, and That's Okay
/This past week I got a HUG FROM SOMEONE I DON’T LIVE WITH! A real honest to goodness hug. It was everything I could do to let go in an appropriate amount of time and not let it get too weird. Because, well… yeah.
This last year has been hard (Have I mentioned that before? Maybe once or twice? Because it has been. Hard, that is). And this last month I’ve had a lot of feels. And by a lot of feels, I may be understating my situation a bit.
And while I was in my feels, I got quiet, because that’s what I do. In fact, you might even say I went radio silent.
I’m sorry.
I know radio silence is awkward. If you’re anything like me and you’re on the receiving end of the silence, you start overthinking everything. Did I say something wrong? Did I offend them? Did I hurt their feelings? Will they ever speak to me again? Have I ruined our relationship forever? Oh my gosh, I said something and I they will never forgive me. I ruined our relationship forever and am the worst (friend, sister, daughter, etc.) ever!
(Yeah, I’m not overdramatic at all. Ever. Ask my family, they’ll set you straight.)
So, I’m sorry for the radio silence. For those of you who tend to overthink things, I’m really, really, sorry. It’s me, not you (Really, though. Not in the uncomfortable break-up way. It really was/is me, not you).
So as I reemerge from my cocoon of feels, I wanted to share with you something I’ve been thinking about over the last month.
You are allowed to be sad. And mad. And grateful. And you can be all of those things at the same time.
I realize that’s a weird thing to say, but hear me out. I am so incredibly grateful for the time I’ve had with my beautiful, amazing, wonderful daughter this past year. So grateful, that even writing this brings tears to my eyes. But, I hadn’t planned on staying at home with her for a whole year (well, at this point, 13 months). I was planning on being back in the gym part-time as of last July. I had intended on her being in daycare two days a week, so I would have gym days as well as days to focus on creating more content and tools to share with The Frickin Good Life Community.
I am incredibly grateful that I’ve gotten to experience her learning and growing throughout this past year. I’ve gotten to hear her first (of many) laughs, watch her as she’s developed her dance moves, and now watch as she’s gone from a few tentative steps to walking behind me everywhere I go. I’ve been there as she’s learned what her hairbrush is for and where her bows go (in her hair. Not mine. Obviously mom).
I feel blessed, joyful, grateful, and an overwhelming sense of happiness and contentment as I think about all that we’ve been through and accomplished this last year.
But I also feel sad.
I’m sad that she still hasn’t met most of my friends. I’m sad that my family didn’t get to experience her in all of her squishy, soft baby glory. I’m sad that she seems shocked when she sees there are not only other people in the world, but other little people too!
And I’m mad. Okay, I’m jealous too, but also mad.
I’m mad when I hear people say to me (or other new moms) how lucky we are to have had this time with our babies. I’m mad because while I’m grateful, there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel lucky. How is it lucky that I have only seen friends and family a handful of time since my daughter has been born? How is it lucky that I’ve had to learn how to be a mom without any extra helping hands (thank goodness for the internet. Seriously)? How is it lucky that I haven’t been on a date with my husband in over a year? How is it lucky…?
I could go on. And you may have a counter or a retort to each and every item that I’m sad or mad about.
Which is my point.
You are allowed to have multiple feelings about a situation. You are allowed to have many, sometimes seemingly conflicting feelings, all at once. You can be grateful and mad. You can be happy and sad. You can be content and experience FOMO at the same time.
In case no one has ever given you permission before, you are allowed to have feels. You are allowed to have many feels and big feels and any of the feels that you, well, feel. There is nothing wrong with you. In fact, you could argue that’s part of what makes you human. A unique wonderful person, with a plethora of emotions. In fact, you don’t need my permission, or anyone’s permission to feel the way you do.
How you act on those feels, of course, is another topic entirely. But especially if you’ve never done it before, I encourage you to recognize and sit with you feelings. And allow them to be okay. Don’t try to shove them away with food, alcohol, business, or some other avoidance technique (see, you knew I was going somewhere, right?), but acknowledge your feelings and let them just be for the moment. You don’t have to jump into “fix-it” mode right away either. Often quick fixes are Band-Aids on a situation that needs more attention.
You are allowed to be sad. And mad. And happy. And grateful. And you are allowed to be all of those things all at the same time.
Now please forgive me for the radio silence. I was sitting with some feels.
